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Not now
I think ambivalence is going to be away for a while. I can't really find anything fun, positive or real to share these days. I need some time. I am sorry. Give me a few days.
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Double trouble
Do you remember that song by Phil Collins that went 'Two heaaaaarts living in just one miiiiind'? That's what i've been humming lately whenever i thought about my friend Ona/Arwen and her wonderful news. This is what happened on a very special week in november:

Ona: I think i'm pregnant
Uma: Wow... that's great!
Ona: Is it?

...

Ona: I'm pregnant
Uma: Confirmed? Congratulations, i'm so happy for you
Ona: I'm so scared

...

Ona: I've been to the doctor. I am definetly pregnant. But there's more.
Uma: Sorry?
Ona: I'm having twins!
Uma: (Eyes about to fall out from face) Wow!

So, she is having two babies, probably around may/june. A big kiss from here to the proud parents-to-be.

Life is but a dream
My Top Ten Dream Occupations:

1. Filthy rich

2. Eternal promising writer

3. Rock star with an attitude

4. Beautiful teenager going through a lot of changes

5. Careless philanthropist

6. Super Model speach coach (a classic)

7. Jazz singer in a kick ass red dress

8. Olympic medal winner in ski (slalom)

9. Writer of Oscar acceptance speaches

10. Journalist. A real one though.

Torn
The same song every year and this is the bloody fourth time i listen to the tune. 'What are your plans for the holidays?'. When it's the boss who's asking, the question stops sounding friendly. It means you have to choose -again- between working on Chritmass (Eve and Day) or New Year's (same thing).

The decision tears me apart. It really does. For the past nine years, Christmas day has been the most important of the year. Watching the M&m's glowing and fiercely unwrapping their presents, the expression of extreme joy on their cute faces. It's one of those moments you wish time would simply freeze there and then.

On the other hand, last New Year's turned out to be shitty and i don't think i could stand the same plan again. I'm not a fan of that night in particular because i don't like the common belief about it being 'The Wildest Night of the Year', but still i hate to worry about getting to work the next day and being a pain in the ass for everybody, including myself.

So i've chosen to work on Christmass. Eve and Day. And it's already breaking my heart.

Travelling girl
Right. The Onion would like to know about 'the first grown up thing i did all by myself'. I assume most of you remember the -recent- episode of my stuffing a chicken and sticking it into the oven for the first time, so we won't go back to that tasty story. Instead, you're about to learn all about the first incredibly long flight i took on my own.

I'd had some previous experience on travelling by myself before that one, which means i took a few planes to Ireland to visit the family when i was 11, 12 and 13 years old. This time i was 15 and i was about to embark on the journey of my life. A year in Canada ahead of me was enough to have me sleepless for the entire previous month. I had never been to Canada. No one i knew had ever been there, either.

The day i was leaving, my mother's face was white and tense from holding back the tears for ages. I was scared and excited at the same time. Getting to Montreal from Madrid is as easy as taking an airplane from Madrid and landing in Montreal but no, the agency that dealt with my year in school had other plans for me.

My itinerary was:

Madrid --> New York JFK --> New York LaGuardia --> Montreal --> Québec.

That's three flights. The first one was delayed for four hours and it made all my conexions go to hell. The last flight was on a light plane that could hold up to 8 people on board. It shook and trembled for the entire time. So did i.

I finally landed in Québec thirteen hours after the schedule. A strange couple was waiting for me. They took me to my host family, who had given up on me after about six hours. Not that i blame them. I was driven to the farm in the middle of nowhere, through a very badly lit road. That was going to be my home for the next month. But that's another story all together.

Uma hits a few stores
And these are the items on my shopping list:

Earphones for my little radio, the one who helps me slip into heavy sleeping.

Xmas present for a friend. A Swiss friend.

Birthday present for a friend. A late present.

Long sleeved t-shirt in cream colour with lace for moi.

Printer. Wait til i get my scanner and you'll be sorry you ever logged in!

Xmas present for Tom. Half of it, probably.

Kick ass new suit for my mobile. It looks all shiny and red and cool. Very Christmassy.

She gets a kick out of music
My nieces, the M&m's, are drop dead creative. The eldest is of course big M, who is nine years old. She attends a very special school where they combine regular education with music. M has been playing the sax for a year and a half now. The beginning was hard for her but things are changing now.

From the first day i learned she had picked the sax, instead of the violin or the piano as most students do, i thought she was going to be too cool for school, in a very Lisa Simpson kind of way. Yesterday i spent the better part of my day at The Mountain Family house and M played at least five songs for me.

She practiced certain pieces for school and she played along with one of those orchestra cds by Disney. I can still see her, blowing her sax in the kitchen, almost like a solo musician in front of the band, pressing the right keys to 'Can you feel the love tonight' or Beethoven's 'Ode to joy'. She seemed so concentrated she looked like an adult, and you could tell how much she was enjoying it.

She gets a kick out of music. I get a kick out of watching her play.

Just do it
My friend F turns the big 30 tomorrow and i can't go to his party. The reason: I work at 7 am this weekend because i begged to have last weekend off in order to taken an exam that i have failed. So now i lose both my options to work where i wanted and to celebrate F's brithday. Unfair.

One of my bosses is uncapable of telling the diference between the North of Spain and a neighbourhood in Madrid. My other boss is interested in bullfighting and earning as much cash as possible by having other people do his job. Third boss seems like a happy soul but i already see, reflected in his eyes, the burden of running into five directions at the same time. Top boss is still evil and living in a cave where only VIP members are allowed to enter and share a laugh.

I'm extraordinarily tired today: Too many intense feelings, too many kilometres back and forth on those trains and the certainty of not having a grip on any aspect of my life is burning me down. So i have two options. I can sit here and moan for another six months, or i can try something new. Do you remember that project i wanted to put together? And the exam i took last Sunday? Those didn't work out, but that only means i should probably try something else, and try harder.

About two months ago, I had a business idea. It's a plan to start up a shop with three of my friends. I've told a few people about it and no one has called an ambulance to take me to the nearest mental hospital, so i take it as a good sign. After giving it a lot of thought, i've decided the time is now and i'm going to start working on it. I'm not going to ask you to wish me luck, but if you have a spare 125.000 €, that coud come in handy.

Uma the softy is going to hibernate now and hope that Uma the hard playing business girl will break out of her shell.

Someone has to stop this
I mean, really stop this. It was fun a few weeks back but, at this point, it's scaring the shit out of me (and Cameron).

Home is here

You are finally invited to the very select and lovely and new and welcoming home of Tom and Uma! Do come in...

Fiesta
I used to be a party girl. I used to throw great fiestas, mostly at home, and make a point of mixing people from different groups. Sometimes it worked out great and sometimes guests would stick to the people they already knew. I loved being the host.

Autumn/Winter is a very special time of year for parties. People seem to be in a better mood for 'get-togethers' when it's cold and christmas is near. So the fiesta season is about to kick off. F's birthday is next Friday. He never celebrates, but this year he turns 30 and he has broken up with his girlfriend, so he wants to start his new age with a gathering.

Six and i have been daydreaming for months, organizing in our minds the party that never happened. That's what you get when you plan too much. We were going to celebrate the 10th anniversary of our friendship, ours and Morgana's. We were going to rent a warehouse, invite all the people we've been acquainted to for the last decade and have Alaska sing. Of course, none of this ever took place. Perhaps next year.

Then there's my birthday coming up next month. Well, that day is also the birthday of dear friend Martin (who turns the same age as me), my pal Fred and one of my partners in crime Fritz. I haven't decided on how i shall celebrate my 29th. But if i end up throwing a party at home, i will certainly keep all this advice in mind.

My exam is today. I hope it gives me another great excuse to celebrate soon.

Chewing time
I wish time these days could be like a chewing gum. I wish i could extend it and make it elastic. Thursday night was magic. Today is the last day before my exam. Two different moments in time, only separated by a string of hours. I'm afraid and nervous for tomorrow. I'm happy, excited and grateful for Thursday night.

Nick showed up with two tickets for Antonio Vega. It was one of those 'just the two of us' kind of dates and it felt special. The show was one of the best we'd seen and i ran a piece on it for the paper.

Nick pinched me when a particular line of a song came up. 'Diez años antes era igual'. Ten years ago it was the same. Actually, it wasn't and that's the beauty of it. Let's hope for another 10 years as close as this. One of the last songs brought about seven tears to my eyes, but i was discreet. 'I want to tell you that saying goodbye didn't mean running away from the mess...'.

The music was beautiful and the atmosphere was unique and fun. Almost everyone at the audience was around 30 and there were so many different styles that is was plain to see the fans have followed him for a long time and we have evolved in different ways. Regular lives and show business reunited. Time as a chewing gum.

Candidates on a Friday

1. Did you vote in your last elections?
I certainly did. I've only skipped one since i was 18, and that was due to a mix of boredom and disenchantment, but i'm back on the arena. Nothing like a conservative and arrogant government to keep you going back to the voting schools.

2. Do you know who your elected representatives are?
Yes. The Spanish election process isn't as complicated as the one in the States or France. And besides, i work on current affairs, it's not like i can ignore all those names and faces.

3. Have you ever contacted an elected representative? If so, what was it about?
I have met a lot of politicians. From minor representatives for the Council to the former President, they seemed too selfconscious. I'm not a big fan of people in politics anyway.

4. Have you ever participated in a demonstration?
The first one i recall was when i was very little girl and we were marching against the dictatorship in Chili. The most impressive one was one against ETA on 1997. They kidnapped a young politician, Miguel Angel Blanco, and they threatened to kill him in 48 hours. The entire country demonstrated against them. They ended up shooting him. But i like to think our participation on the streets meant a lot.

5. Have you ever volunteered in an election? What was the result?
I haven't, but my friend Morgana had to be the President of an election table at 18 years of age. She got so excited that she studied the rules and regulations back to front and she made a big mess when she wouldn't let a very old lady be pushed around by a member of her family who wanted her to vote without even knowing what.

I hear the bells
Many of you will probably think it's way too early, but i hear the bells already. I'm telling you, christmas is just around the corner. The commercials for toys, watches, perfumes and chocolates were the first hint. Then the wind started roaring outside the window every two or three days. The final clue was the company mails telling me what numbers they'll be playing at the season's lottery.

Christmas is coming. Time to start looking forward to my birthday, to stock up with xmas decorations and to wonder about the ideal presents. You can tell i enjoy this time of year. I can deal with the cold (remember i lived in Quebec?), i can separate the buying frenzy from the cool, happy spirit and i can definetely eat a box of polvorones a day. So bring on that christmas eve and pop in some carrols if you want, i'm ready for it all.

This state of mind will only last me until New Year's Day, though. I'm not very good at januarys. I enjoy my sister's birthday on the 3rd, but you might want to erase the rest of the month, or let me sleep til february. There is a date in january that turns the rest of the days into a dark blur. A day that brings me such painful memories i could just hide under my bed. Those sad feelings live with me all year round, but in january it becomes even harder.

And that's probably why i get such a kick out of christmas. Because i get to enjoy my friends, my family and some free time before darkness falls.

Little bits and pieces
I'll write a patchwork-post because i'm running out time, out of sensibility and probably out of line. Here are my little bits and pieces for today:

Feeling: Tired from the cold, happy for the upcoming winter season, a little silly and somewhat nervous.

Drinking: Nothing. But i've set the table for dinner and i've placed a bottle of water and another one of white wine. Just because.

Thinking: I'm very good at keeping secrets, i wish my hair would dry faster and in a not-so-wild way, i would like to have more time for myself.

Fearing: The exam.

Eating: I had a chicken sandwich for lunch and i'm looking forward to the vegetables at dinner. And yes, the wine.

Reading: Kurt lent me 'The Corrections', by Jonathan Franzen. It started a bit awkwardly but it's getting better with each page. And there are over 700 of them.

Enjoying: Tbe fact that i'm home and there is complete silence behind our windows.

Wanting: To have a very sharp mind on sunday, new clothes that get washed and ironed automatically and knowing a wee bit more about what the future has in store.

Listening: To the silence in El Escorial, plus the song playing on my mind: Bob Geldof's 'This is the world calling'.

Devil and saint

Big M trying out the horn hairband i got at Luton airport. My favourite little drama queen, a devil and a saint at the same time. I wonder what she dressed up as in Halloween.

Over love
Woman at restaurant: (To husband) - I think we should paint the kitchen walls.
Woman's husband: - I don't really care.
Woman: - Don't you care about the kitchen?
Husband: - I don't care about the kitchen, the house or our marriage.

And thus it was over, after many years of comfortable love.

I wonder what is worse, losing your partner because he/she doesn't give a damn anymore or being the one who wakes up so free of feelings that you can't go on. No passionate fights, no emotional bullying, no jelousy games. Just a terrifying emptiness.

The Friday Cult
1. Were you raised in a particular religious faith?
I never took Religious classes at school and my family didn't follow any faith, allthough my mother is Irish and we live in Spain. Both places are hard core Catholicism reigns so that's the religion i know better.

2. Do you still practice that faith? Why or why not?
I used to go to church every single Sunday when i was in Ireland. But i haven't returned there since i was 14, so now i only go to mass for dreadful reasons such as funerals.

Sometimes i wish i were more religious or i believed in higher concepts: people with faith seem so much happier.

3. What do you think happens after death?
Your body dissolves and blends in with the earth. Your soul -meaning the memories you leave in people who love you- stays on fighting against oblivion.

4. What is your favorite religious ritual (participating in or just observing)?
I like Christmas midnight mass, children's choirs and some of the African rituals with bright materials and songs.

5. Do you believe people are basically good?
If i didn't, i wouldn't have the courage to get out of bed in the mornings.