In this room
there's not a
breeze.

No one sneezed
the littlest
sneeze.

No one wheezed
the faintest
wheeze.

The door's shut tight
with a big brass
handle.

Who
Who
Blew out the candle?

Lillian Moore

Introducing...



This cool babe is my goddaughter, who is seven months today. Say hello to Lucía and her so very trendy Pooh sunglasses!

Probably missing out
Two months from my birthday and i haven't done twelve of the things on this list. Do you think i'm missing out on something?

Foreigners at school
The Onion wants to know about school memories. And that brings Canada to my mind.

It's always hard to be 'the new girl in school'. When i first arrived in Québec, i was 15 years old, the new girl in school, and the somewhat exotic foreigner. I didn't speak French. My Spanish looks and my multicoloured choice of clothes didn't exactly make me invisible.

On my first day of school i had a meeting with the headmaster. All classes had different levels within the same subject (Chemistry I, II, III). I asked to be placed on the lowest Math and French. He asked me to blend in with the French speaking people and try to avoid 'bilinguals' in order to learn the language. I respected my part of the deal but he put me in the highest French class.

Two months after that exciting first day, i could hold a regular conversation in French, with the local accent and everything. I learned my way around school: i knew there was a dress code (my friend Mélanie Binet kept being asked to go back home and change her very mini miniskirts), i knew school food was fattening and i knew it was wise to stay away from the hockey team.



What i didn't know is that people were going to judge my every move. In fact, they judged the whole town. I didn't know when i met Martin that he'd become a lifetime friend and also the source of oh so many troubles that i'd gladly go through again. He was my brother and the light in which i discovered a whole new world. He had the attitude, the style, the culture and the eagerness to be different.

One day, both the family i was staying with and the school's headmaster asked me to stop seeing him. They said he wasn't a very good company. They said he was taking drugs. For God's sake, they even hinted he was a male prostitute. The truth was that he is gay and that was probably too much for their narrow minds. I didn't stop seeing him and they kicked him out of school. That's when i learned that he was the real foreigner in town.

Sunday pattern



...So what pattern are you?

We are all made of stars
Trix had to lend me a belt this morning because my jeans were falling. This has to do with the fact that they should be in the washing machine instead of on me, but it is also possible that i lost a few pounds last night.

9 pm. La Riviera. Friday night. People are going crazy trying to get tickets for Moby's concert. They are offering four times what we paid. Kurt is tempted to sell Fred's ticket because it's taking him so long to get there ;-). My sister is wearing a kickass t-shirt with a funky black woman on it. I'm itching to start the dancing.

Moby jumps on stage. The audience jumps with him. Hell breaks lose. Everybody is dancing. Our group of six looks like a disco troup high on pills. But were just a bunch of friends with really quick feet and sweaty hair. The music is magnificent. The rythm is killing me. 'We are all made of stars' was brilliant but my favourite is stil 'Oh lawdy'. Moby apologizes for being 'just an ignorant American'.

When the gig is over, my once washed and dried hair looks like Esther Williams' when she's coming out of the pool. Make that Tom Hanks arriving at the desert island. Well, you know what i mean. Not a pretty sight, but, oh, what a wonderful feeling of being made of stars.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh... it's the FF!

1. What is your favorite scary movie?
I'm not a big fan of horror movies because... well, because of the horror part. But i can tell you Friday 13th scared the hell out of me when i watched it on tv for the first time (i was about 10). Then i was professionally freaked out with The Shining, Rosemary's baby and i admit to having yelled a few times watching What lies beneath...

2. What is your favorite Halloween treat?
I'll have all those chocolates, thankyouverymuch...

3. Do you dress up for Halloween? If so, describe your best Halloween costume.
I threw a Halloween party at home some years ago with Morgana and Six. I think it was in 1998. As the three of us were hosts, we dressed up in the same do-it-yourself costumes. We were black widows, so we wore little black dresses, fishnet tights, veiled hats and then we attached these material spiders (black widows) all over our outfits, that looked like freakie stuffed toys.

4. Do you enjoy going to haunted houses or other spooky events?
Haunted houses... i think the spookiest place i know is my work place. I don't enjoy going there.

5. Will you dress up for Halloween this year?
I'd love to. I'm a huge fan of costumes. But i don't think my incredibly tight schedule will allow me to dress up this year. Last Halloween i wanted to dress as a murdered Paulina Rubio, but i didn't get the chance. This year i would probably go for a The Others look.

Season greetings
Oh boy, was autumn unfolding before my eyes this morning. As i was walking towards the station today, the chilly weather making me shiver, i saw the most magnificent afterdawn sky. Blue, violet, orange and pink, it was so astonishing even the cats were looking up.

Let me tell you, El Escorial is full of cats. It is literally packed. I have my eye on a particular family (mum, dad and about four kittens) that live on window sill on a very steep road. They are quite ordinary looking, black and white, but so nice to strangers that i find them dead cute.

Thinking about the cat family and the show the sky was unfolding before my eyes, i got on the train. The landscape all along the trip was brilliant. The eerie looking fields, where deers were having breakfast, blended in with the three-coloured trees. Dark green, yellow and a brush of red.

I enjoy this season. And i definately enjoyed this morning.

Don't make me think, it's only Tuesday

The Cosby Show or A Different World?
I grew up watching the Huxtables deal with their oh-so-easy lives and i loved it. Then i followed A Different World for a while but that was terribly boring so i went back to the new episodes of the Cosby Show, with that adorable little girl. I think people my age secretly wanted to be adopted by that family at the time.

Cheers or Frasier?
Noooooooooooooooooooooooorm!

Beverly Hills, 90210 or Melrose Place?
Hard to tell, but i think Kelly's love life, Dylan's alcoholism and Shannen Dougherty's change of humours ruled the screen.

The Osbournes or The Anna Nicole Show?
There will never be a show like The Osbournes, ever. Not even if they put hidden cams on the Bush twins' favourite bars. By the way, i think Sharon would make a great President.

Monday feelings
Things i'm looking forward to this week:

Getting this damned seven-working-day-block (for the second time in a row) out of the flipping way

Studying for my upcoming exam in november (i'll keep you posted on this but only after i've taken the test)

Dancing myself silly at the Moby gig in La Riviera

I'm tired but happy. I'm anxious but trying hard to calm down. These past weeks haven't killed me so i guess they've made me stronger. Thus, i'm weak but strong. I'm grateful but a little disappointed. I feel good because i hate to feel bad.

It was great to see Morgana, hubbie Dani and gorgeous Lucía this weekend. As rewarding as sharing pizza with the awesome duo, Trixie and Dixie. It was brilliant to see Tom smile. There is always space for a brand new day, huh?

Tune in for the Friday Five

1. How many TVs do you have in your home?
None. The one at home is my mother's. Ours died with much suffering one day and hasn't been replaced in our hearts or sitting room yet.

2. On average, how much TV do you watch in a week?
Little, because i don't have time to do anything that isn't getting trains or living dangerously with this very thrilling job.

3. Do you feel that television is bad for young children?
Strange question. It's probably bad for all humans and living creatures. But there are worse things for young children, such as parents doing impressions of the teletubbies for them.

4. What TV shows do you absolutely HAVE to watch, and if you miss them, you're heartbroken?
Friends.

5. If you had the power to create your own television network, what would your line-up look like?
It would probably be a 24 hour John Cusack show.

Shhhhh
Ambivalence is asleep. Hush now. Uma is wide awake and running in different directions at the same time. We should probably inject something in her ankles to make her stop. Crazy, ambivalent times.

Natural born commuter
Ah, urban transport. How many stories left at the stations, how many hours spent on trains, buses and tubes, how many ideas flowing one’s mind on those waiting moments in between rides.

Trains have always been my favourite mean of transportation, for all the obvious reasons: it’s romantic, it’s mysterious and very charming. I spend two hours a day on trains now. My conmute to work is far too long but i get to read a lot more, and i do some thinking going back and forth while i stare at the mountains in the distance.

A woman with a teenager was on my train last night, shouting and crying. She told the boy (her son) he would end up sending her to the grave. He shrugged and looked away. A girl couldn't stop giggling this morning as she read her novel on the wagon.

Ah, the commuting life.

Lyric talking
Everyone has a song. I don’t mean that tacky cliché some couples insist on dancing to, but the words or the spirit of a song that fit perfectly with a person at a certain moment. We all have one. Here are the first that spring to my mind, for no particular reason and not in order (did I just define the way my head works?)

I wish i could tell Tom that there are better days shining through. Because every fool has got a reason for feelin' sorry for himself but tonight this fool's halfway to heaven and just a mile outta hell and i feel like i'm comin' home.

I see right through my boss, who mispronounces my name and doesn't wait for all the information before he turns me away.

My friend Jay is "an accident waiting to happen, a piece of glass left there on the beach" and I always wonder who's going to ride his wild horses.

All of my pals know i’ll be there for them whether or not their job’s a joke, they’re broke or their love life is dead on arrival. More so if the last part is true.

On special notes, I’ll say I always think of LovelyV when I hear any version of ‘You’re going to lose that girl’, or ‘Devil inside’.

Mum and a trip to Italy come back to memory with ‘For the longest time’, while I remember my sister, in her teens, shouting the words of ‘If I fell.’

Finally, most of the members of my family can easily picture me dancing around telling the story of ‘Patricia the Stripper’. I might even sing it to you one of these days...

The winter of our discontent
It's getting cold. I can see the snow on the mountains from home and the wind makes howling noises through our windows after lunch time.

It's getting cold in ambivalence, too. I left a door open without noticing and now i must decide whether or not i want to block the main entrance. I think i'll just get some blankets, install central heating or build a nice chimney. I can't find any reasons for silence.

I'm hoping a lot these days. Hoping the future doesn't turn out as black or bloody as i see it. Hoping i'll find good things to hold on to. Hoping these ideas running wild in my mind turn into something productive. Hoping this doesn't become the winter of our discontent, not again.

Friday Five for the fans

1. If you could only choose 1 cd to ever listen to again, what would it be?
Difficult. Bruce Springsteen's Darkness on the Edge of Town. Tom Waits' Asylum Years.

2. If you could only choose 2 movies to watch ever again, what would they be?
I'd watch Gilda twice each time.

3. If you could only choose 3 books to read ever again, what would they be?
'Sobre héroes y tumbas' by Ernesto Sábato, 'Inventario dos' by Mario Benedetti and 'A man in full' by Tom Wolfe.

4. If you could only choose 4 things to eat or drink ever again, what would they be?
Sushi, french fries, chocolate and coffee. Probably not all together.

5. If you could only choose 5 people to ever be/talk/associate/whatever with ever again, who would they be?
Tom, John Cusack, Mick Jagger, Madonna and Antonio Vega.

Bare with me
Too many changes prevent me from updating ambivalence as much as i would like. One of the main reasons is that the computer at home is out of order (and way out of line, if you ask me) so the only place i post from is work. Again, things there aren't what they used to be.

After a major crisis back in 2000, a punch below the belt when Tom was fired in 2001 and the disappointments with heavy doses of frustration that have accompanied me throughout this year, things just got worse. The only boss i respected has been made redundant, leaving me quite exposed, to say the least.

Not really knowing what is going to happen in the near future, i feel a little scared, a little uncertain, a little hurt. Please bare with me while i juggle with the changes.

Friends
One of the first things i did the minute we had a tv back in action was get Friend’s fifth season on dvd. Yes, i know i’m and addict. “Hello, my name is Uma and i can’t stop watching that show”.

We’ve watched seven episodes so far, seven that i hadn’t seen before, so the high just gets higher. This is the season right after Ross messes up his wedding by saying Rachel’s name instead of Emily’s and the one where Monica and Chandler start their relationship.

There is one episode where Ross is torn by Emily’s conditions to work on their marriage, the most important one being that he cannot see Rachel ever again. He is forced to choose between one of his best friends and his wife.

Of course, he decides to give Emily a chance and thus ‘sacrifice’ Rachel. The part where he explains to her that he won’t be seeing her again almost made me cry. At least she gets an explanation.

That’s how sensitive i am. Rats.

Steppin' on the weekend with the FF

1. What size shoe do you wear?
I’m a European 39, so i guess that makes me a size 7 US. Too big for mum’s shoes, too small for my sister’s. Grr.

2. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Very good one. A lot. Many. Not enough. I’ve counted at least 20 in my new dresser. I love shoes.

3. What type of shoe do you prefer (boots, sneakers, pumps, etc.)?
I like boots, cute kiddie-like shoes and stilettos. So yes, I like any kind of shoes as long as they look good on me.

4. Describe your favorite pair of shoes. Why are they your favorite?
My favourite pair of shoes are usually the last pair I bought, i.e., red sandals. But my biggest addiction is for any kind of shoe that has a strap around the foot. I have those in black (2 pairs), dark brown (1), red (1) and violet (1).

5. What's the most you've spent on one pair of shoes?
A gorgeous pair of black and purple stilettos from Farrutx for New Year’s eve were the most expensive of the year, and they weren’t that pricey… ;-)

Make them laugh
And i quote from the BBC:
"The internet-based search for the best side-splitting gag is thought to have been the largest study of humour ever undertaken. Conducted by psychologist Dr Richard Wiseman, the study attracted more than 40,000 jokes".

Well, i can't believe they chose this one as the funniest joke ever, when we all know many others that actually make you laugh.

Talk about British humour... is it extinct?

Calling The Monty Python, Patsy and Edina, or even Bridget Jones for crying out loud... we need you!!

The white book
Someone made me a book once. It has hundreds and hundreds of pages, maybe a thousand, all blank, and white covers.

I use it to write and draw whatever crosses my mind every so often. My friend Lynch predicted that, considering my pace of work, i would get to the last page when i turned 36 years old.

Photos, drawings, collages, songs and small essays have filled the first hundred pages since 1998. I'll probably be over 50 by the time i get to the end of my white book. Still, the pleasure of sitting down and dedicating time to it is as rewarding as finishing a good novel.

I'm not an arts and crafts kind of person but i'm not afraid of pencils and paintbrushes, so when words fail to express what i want, i open the book and start scribbling away. Some day i'll scan a few pages for you, ambivalent people.

Everyone should have a white book.

Early riser
The new timetable at work makes me get up before dawn. A long time before dawn. It makes me stumble to the shower and half drink a decent coffee that i know i won't finish. It makes me drive for almost an hour under the rain, where the lights from other cars accompany me like Shirley Manson's voice in the stereo. It makes me feel good about being an early riser.

I like living in El Escorial because

our house looks cute,

the town is very welcoming, even in the fog

and it's great to get away from the noise and hassle of the city.

I only wish it were a tiny bit closer to it.

Being an early riser on a long trip to work also gives me time to think. Daydreaming in the wee hours of the morning. I have a new idea to play with now: I think i might work on a thesis. I guess i miss university the way i missed getting up early.