Discoveries
Sunday evening. Work is dull. After a while of flicking around the net, here are my recommendations. for the day:

World Press Photo

Creative Base

Yugop

Free Haiku

Tate Gallery

Epicurious

One look
My friend Six has beautiful dark eyes. When she was a little girl, she saw her mother and her sisters and she wondered why their eyes were green or blue. In fact, she wondered why her eyes weren't as clear as the sky. At some point she even thought she might be an adopted child. The three girls have dark hair but the older sister combines it with a mysterious green look, whereas the youngest has a watery colour of eyes. Six felt different and strange.

Time went by, the girls grew up, their parents grew older and Six learnt that her dark eyes were mysterious and a useful weapon in many situations. One summer day, something happened. A little boy came to their door. He was a cousin of Six, but from that day he became her brother. He received her family name, her education and her tenderness.

Six looked after him like she had never done for anyone before. And she noticed that the boy's eyes were as dark as the night, as dark as hers. They both stared at each other and saw family reflected in their eyes. Sometimes, it only takes one look to learn the most important things.

Turns out this is my colour. At least tonight.

Green You are a very calm and contemplative person. Others are drawn to your peaceful, nurturing nature. Find out your color at Stvlive.com!

Writing about...
Inspired by Sarah's post, i have been thinking about this journal/blog writing. When i was about eight, I started writing short stories about pirates, taxis driven by cats and trees who missed the children when it rained. I used to draw the characters of my tales on the margins of the pages. Then i began a diary. Best friends and first lovers kind of thing. I also complained a lot about my mum not letting me do what i wanted, of course.

Somewhere along that path i decided i wanted to be a writer. Now i'm a journalist and i feel that's close enough, but not exactly what i wanted. When i was 20, i dropped out of university (by accident, but that's another story) for a year. I was working at a language school and i had such an urge for intellectual challenges that i started to write a novel. It's not good, but it will always be my first novel and i'm proud of it.

At 23, i picked up the habit of keeping diaries. This time, the writing was different. It was my self-prescribed therapy. I wrote four diaries in a couple of years, maybe more. They aren't really journals, but more an open letter to someone i missed so much it made me throw up. Between vomits and hundreds of written pages i managed to heal a little the wound from not having my best friend sharing life with me anymore. It might be a good sign that i have stopped writing those diaries to him, but i'm not sure why.

To L. In loving memory.

I always expected
That you should see me through
I never believed in much
But I believed in you

('From Hank to Hendrix'. Neil Young | Harvest Moon)

31% addicted to Instant Messenger. Take the test
Does it show that i'm at work...?

Today's Friday Five featuring:
The kitchen adventures...

1. What was the first thing you ever cooked? Probably something with eggs. I also remember my first roast chicken: i bought the animal at the supermarket and it turned out to have the whole kit (neck, legs, heart). The preparation was pretty disgusting, but it tasted good.

2. What's your signature dish? Hake with vegetables or entrecotte with mustard sauce. I make killer scrambled eggs, too :-)

3. Ever had a cooking disaster? (tasted like crap, didn't work, etc.) Describe. I made tomato salad and a steak with cheese sauce for my friend, who is allergic to dairy products and hates tomatoes. We ended up at a chinese restaurant...

4. If skill and money were no object, what would make for your dream meal? Anything that Tom cooks, any day. Seriously.

5. What are you doing this weekend? Coping with visitors and working. But i'll be on holidays as of Monday, so it's not too bad.

Love this Tom too

And I didn't think you'd ever find me here
To send me blue valentines
Like half forgotten dreams
Like a pebble in my shoe

As I walk these streets
And the ghost of your memory
Is the thistle in the kiss

And the burgler that can break a roses neck
It's the tatooed broken promise
That I hide beneath my sleeve

And I see you every time I turn my back
(...)
Tom Waits. Blue Valentine. October 1978.

Things to look forward to:

1.Eating Tom's cooking

2.Watching one of my favourite films (on tonight, yeah!)

3.Going out for a while, even though i might miss the movie...

4.Buying one of these t-shirts

Almost cried yesterday. After a really light sleep, woke up and cried today. Hate this state i'm in. Hate the situation at work. I must focus on something nice. Like lovely Tom who had a surprise for me. Like my friends. Like this trip to Sevilla. We're leaving next Friday.

Maybe it's because i'm blue and everything around me seems black. I don't know. I've been this sad before, much more desperate, but i didn't feel so empty. I live in a bubble. And it's lonely here. Even with Tom, my family and my friends around. I'm disgusted, especially when i know that all my feelings come from the situation at work. How superficial of me.

Anyway, everything got worse today, allthough the office and Resident Evil had little to do with it. It's H. Challenging logics, friendship and loyalty (again). Ok, so here is the -short- story:

His girlfriend has hated me for the past TEN YEARS (a long time of bitterness, yes i agree) and that has caused tension between me and H at times. We have lunch once a week. It's almost a ritual. Now, for some fucked up reason (i called him on his birthday, so you can sue me), she has forbidden him to see me. Full stop. Even worse: he has listened to her. So we won't be having lunch. Or seeing each other at all. "At least for a while", said his extremely brief mail on the subject.

I feel sad. Maybe it's because i'm blue and everything around me seems black. I don't know.

Undecided
You can't seem to make up your mind?.............. Let Internet decide for you

The girl next door
When Penélope Cruz began her career, some people told me i looked like her. I must say those people loved me very much and were shortsighted. Back then, Penélope had a naïve look in her face and gave the impression of being the girl next door.

Boy, have things changed for her. She traded her streetwise style for a pair of stilettos and all the glamour she could get. Still, when she opens her mouth, no matter in what language, she brings me back in 2 seconds to the outskirts of Madrid where she grew up, and i get the feeling she knows her life is a rented dream from a Hollywood landlord.

Maybe the whole American dream is about renting a cool place for a while. When you get to own it, you're a star.

The whys
After reading Chris' manifesto, i'm going to make a list of what got me here in the first place.

I blog because i have always kept a diary. Sort of.

I blog because i started reading other weblogs and soon became addicted to a couple of them.

Blogging is my therapy, but i don't expect readers to be doctors.

Blogging is a bonding experience.

I love rambling about myself and talking about the people i know.

I don't think i HAVE to post everyday, though most of the time i do NEED it.

Posting my thoughts can be dangerous but i love risks.

Fear factors
"Be afraid. Be very afraid". That's what a character from 'The first wives club' said to the bimbo her ex husband was dating. But irony is not what i have on mind today. It's fear. Things that scare the hell out of me and other people. Ghosts, spiders, the dark...

According to the dictionary, fear is "a painful emotion or passion excited by the expectation of evil, or the apprehension of impending danger". Well, may i say evil has the strangest forms of presenting itself.

For instance, let's take Ona, a dear friend and a co-worker. She can snap a boss with a witty remark anytime, but mention the word snake to her and she'll run to the toilets screaming. You may find that hillarious, but the truth is fear is terribly hard to control. Other people i know will get the creeps if they see a cow at the countryside or a dodgy-looking man walking on an empty street.

I asked Tom for the thing he is most afraid of and he was quick to answer: death. Yeah... that's a biggie. I guess that's what we are all afraid of, specially as we grow old. As for me, fear of sickness is something that can keep me up at night, but also:

Insects (cockroaches)

Speaking in public. Yes, i'm shy

Going to the doctor. Give me an appointment with a gynecologist and you'll see a whiter shade of pale on my face

Ghosts. I don't really see dead people, but i'd rather not watch a scary movie

A blank page. Not if i have to write with a deadline

Have you noticed i love these silly tests? And that i am quite fond of toasts?



Take the Which Breakfast Food Are You? Quiz.

Baby talk
I have two nieces, the M&Ms. The eldest will turn 9 years old next Monday and i'm finding it hard to believe. At the same time, i am so proud that she is turning into a great person. She is pretty, nice and well-intentioned (is that a word?). She is currently a Harry Potter lover and a musician. Little M is also very pretty, and mischievous, seductive and funny like only a four year-old can be.

Nine years ago, when M was born, i was woken up by Victor on the phone, telling me and my mother the big news and asking us to go to the hospital. I jumped in the shower, it was really early in the morning, and started to cry of joy. The tears running down my face were almost as many as the drops coming out of the shower. When i saw her, so tiny and vulnerable, something changed forever inside of me. Then i went to university and i told everyone. I'm sure Six, Morgana and H remember well that day. I was beaming. I think i smiled for a whole week.

Now, it's Morgana's turn to make me feel the way i felt back in 1993. She will give birth in two months. It's the first baby in this *urban family* we have created throughout the years. She will be named Lucía, after no-one, and i just hope she is half as good as her beautiful mother and her daddy. It is strange and moving to see Morgana's pregnancy grow. Our crazy companion in all those intense Madrid nights is now a mum-to-be and it makes me very happy, sometimes jelous and most of the time incredibly proud of her.

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life". (Red Auerbach)

I'm speachless today because I lost my voice singing at the concert last night. Great exercise: we danced from the first song to the last, and it was so liberating.

One of my New Year's resolutions was to go to more concerts. I figure there's no point living in a big city if you're not going to take advantage of all the art exhibits, theatre plays and great concerts. This is one of the reasons i am in love with Madrid.

The band was brilliant last night. They play a mixture of styles and the result is always fun and beautiful. These are my favourite lines from La Cabra Mecánica:

The lack of love is what fills bars with people

When i met you i told my common sense not to wait up for me

Friends and lovers
I know i have been complaining about this week since last Monday. And i'm not a moaner, am I? *grin*... It's been really hard to put up with the pressure and fucked up kind of 'mobbing' that surrounds me at work. So let's just relax, think about the concert coming up tonight (Tom, Fred, Dixie and Trixie will be there: that's enough for the party to get started) and enjoy this day.

A bunch of selected friends is more than enough to make one feel at home. Some of my friends need me badly these days, i think. Too many changes, too many insecurities, to many challenges. They were there when i needed them. I miss the times when the worst thing that could happen to me was to lose a lover. Then again, losing a lover IS a big deal ;-)

Loved the movie. Loved him. Aaah, those days in the 80s...

Good morning and a happy Friday Five to everybody... Today's topic: sex, love and human remains.

1. What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for someone else? I learned the line up for F.C. Barcelona, his football team. I was sixteen.
2. [pardon the cosmo question] What are your erogenous zones? I have one. But it keeps changing places in my body ;-)
3. How old were you the first time you had sex? Care to expound? I was probably too young. (That wasn't supposed to come out as conservative as it sounds...)
4. What's the most unusual place you've ever had sex?A parking lot. Well, it's not that common in Spain.
5. Do you have plans for Valentine's Day or is it just another Thursday? My friend is throwing a party at her bar and i wouldn't miss that.

Madrid is boiling with art these days. I love it. There's ARCO coming up next week, which is an international fair (my advice: wear flat shoes!) and in the modern museums there are two very interesting exhibits. At Thyssen we have cubism (all Braque) but, in my opinion, the best offer is at Reina Sofía (or 'Sofiedou', as H calls it!), where you can visit Warhol, Clemente and Basquiat. Last but not least, Fundación March is starting tomorrow an exhibit on Georgia O'Keefe. She is so misterious, i love her flowers.

It's funny what art can do to you. Tom told me once about a trip he made to New York, two days on his own, where he had an incredible experience observing a painting by Hamershoi at the MoMa. He felt that particular piece was hanging there specially for him. Magnetism, huh?

Back in 1995 or so, my friend Ana and I had this fascination with the work of Frida Kahlo and that summer, she visited the States and got to see an original by her. She said she sat there, on her own because the people she was with didn't want to go to museums and she cried. She said she missed sharing something so beautiful. I almost cried too, when she told me. I don't know what happened to Ana. One day she just stopped calling. I wonder if she still misses me when she sees a Frida Kahlo painting.

Disturbing thought.- What if PJ Harvey got to be someone like me in a past life??

I can't believe it's still Wednesday. This is probably the slowest week of the past four years. Isn't it sad that i'm counting the days til Friday Five? ;-) Other bonus thoughts are:
Going to the Cabra Mecánica concert, making plans with Dixie, Trixie and Alice to party in Sevilla and looking forward to Spring break.

As for the change of -professional- path i was talking about a few days back, i've been making my moves. So i want to write again. For a living. I want to put this editing shit behind me and start freefalling into creativity. Writing makes me feel more myself. Writing is why i started working for the newspaper in the first place. Writing is the one thing that Resident Evil lets me do as a reward. But enough of complaining, we need some *action* over here...

I've looked up some courses but the one that really interests me started last October. The idea of studying again, of going back to school, is very tempting, but i have also considered taking up one of those online classes, which would allow me to receive courses from a distant country, for instance. I have been toying with the idea of writing my second novel now that i'm incredibly frustrated with my job, but... how about a screenplay? Have you of any good classes? I need to keep my mind busy with projects that don't include punching my boss in the face ;-)

So, i never made it to Resident Evil. He was too happy and carefree for me to approach him. Never mind. I've been surfing for a while just to pretend i'm busy...

I'm the purple shimmer Doc Marten...
I'm a little spunky, definitely fun,
and I like believing in fantasy

Which Doc Marten are you?
(by *coffeebean*)

Life at Work.
Second day of the week. Let's just hope it gets bareable, 'cause yesterday it sucked big time at the office. Ok. I really need some holidays, otherwise this weblog will turn itself into a hopelessly pathetic constant moaning about my day at work. And i don't think anyone will enjoy that: not me, that's for sure.

So let me say one thing: Being a boss must be nerve-wrecking. All that people under your control, the decision-taking... Lately, in the office, there are more bosses than subordinates, and this is when it becomes dangerous. Of course i don't have that responsability and therefore it is easier for me to criticise, but hell, there should be TV shows or something on How to be a Good and Fair Boss. It's important, you could ruin somenone's life!

My friends and i have been overworking lately just because our newly appointed COORDINATOR (something like the child of Resident Evil) needed more time to sleep and lunch. How human of him. Perhaps the rest of us are robots and he is the only one who knows it. Today, i intend to have a chat with the person who can change my career: R.E. himself. Wish me luck.

Off topic:

Thank you, thank you, thank you to Fred and Tom, who helped me add the "in your words" part so this site is *actually* interactive. They deserve a deluxe dinner and this is a token for it. Just set the date, boyz!

A big HAPPY BIRTHDAY for my friend H, who turned 28 yesterday and with whom i intend to celebrate later this week.

Nice weekend. Good mixture of party and relax. On our way back from the mountains, in the middle of the traffic jam, my mind was boiling with ideas.

Work is not good because Resident Evil is obviously not good and the whole pressure thing is too much now, after three very long years. The positive part is that i can't stop thinking of what i'd really like to do and i find inspiration easily when i remember of the dreaded week coming up.

So, instead of feeling sorry for myself, i've decided to act. Creative writing for a living or finding something that allows me to actually write in my free time are my ideal alternatives. It's never to late to make a u turn. Or is it?

---

Off topic: CONGRATULATIONS to Wil Wheaton for the Bloggies 2002! I think he is spontaneous, a good listener and a good story teller. And that's what make people and weblogs so interesting, right?

Fact#1: I'm hungover. Fact#2: I had a *couple* of rhum&coke last night. Fact#3: It had been such a shitty day, i needed to dance the stress away. Fact#4: I did it! :-)

Today's Friday Five, trauma department.


1.Have you ever had braces? Any other teeth trauma? Nope! Never. But dentists still scare me silly.

2.Ever broken any bones? Actually, no. I'll knock on wood. But not too hard.

3.Ever had stitches? Never, only to my barbie dolls with my Crayola markers!

4.What are the stories behind some of your [physical] scars? I do have one small scar on my forehead, but i didn't get it from a dark magician. I fell off my cot, head first.

5. How do you plan to spend your weekend? It started last night. Big party. I intend to relax, maybe go to the cinema, visit mum and the mountain family.