Kraftwerk Pet Shop Boys Brian Wilson Lou Reed The Chemical Brothers Paul Weller Air Belle & Sebastian The Dandy Warhols

August 5, 6, 7 and 8, by the beach. Press the funny head for more information.

How geek?

How geek is to buy a wedding dress on the internet?

How tacky is to place your wedding gift list in Amazon?

Now guess... which of the abovementioned actions have i done? ;)

Overdue!
White Rabbit: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I'm overdue! I'm really in a stew! No time to say goodbye...hello! I'm late! I'm late! I'm late!!

I am the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland today, running around and checking a clock that seems to be two days late. No time, no time. Sprinting. Panting.

But i had the chance to do some updating last night and i can offer you a fresh selection of Ambivalence's most intense moments in the past months. All yours, gotta go, no time!

Next stop will be...
"Good morning", i said. "Life is unfolding before my eyes", i said. "Yesterday i left the newspaper building trying to feel nothing and i think i did a good job pretending. Now i'm ready to dive into new business", i explained. This was already a year ago.

Twelve months later, i'm sitting at my office feeling tired but relaxed, just a few days away of the swimming event i was hired for. This time, life isn't really unfolding before my eyes since i haven't the faintest idea of what is coming next. Going back to the newspaper is an option, but just an option among the many others juggled in my mind.

Already a year after my diving out of the newspaper, out of my daily life as i knew it, away from it all. I could tell you many things have changed after these 12 months, but it's more than that: everything is different. From the spring trip to Barcelona -looking for something like an answer, looking for myself and finding only thunderstorms- to the final drive into my new apartment up in the urban palace, the way i think and feel has radically shifted into a changed scenery.

Once again, i'm ready to jump out and do something new, but the future looks like an unfinished children drawing right now. I look around, i'm still at the office, tired but calm, knowing something bright will definitely come along at the next stop.

Picnic
Who could resist going for a Friday picnic in the park? We couldn't, anyway.

Catching my breath before Monday
I'm off to enjoy the last quiet and free weekend before the real hassle of the swimming championship begins.

The program includes a great deal of relaxation, a wee bit of house cleaning and a fair amount of social relations update: birthday party, family visit, and perhaps catching a movie.

So let's just close this door 'til Monday and hope the noise doesn't make anyone go deaf upon my return to the work week.

No ricemarks
Wow... that was fun! Two days after coming out of the closet, in terms of wedding plans, i feel inmensely grateful for all the happy messages and congratulations received. Once again, you have overwhelmed me, boys and girls. Thank you.

Being my own particular wedding planner, you can imagine i'm doing a lot of thinking and phone calling lately, but the preassure of my job is building up a whole lot faster than the personal arrangements, so i can't give you much ceremony information right now.

Plus, the mistery is an underestimated value. The good thing about not being involved in any of the traditional stuff that comes with a 'regular' and religious wedding is the lack of pompous details to be taken care of.

In any case, i'm glad to be far from this type of identification:

Hey I've got this girl I know, man
She's been married several times
and I don't wanna end up like her
I mean, she's been married so many times
she's got ricemarks all over her face
yeah, you know the kind...

Tom Waits: Better Off Without A Wife

Falling into place
It wasn't one of those things you ask and is accepted or viceversa. It was more like making everything fall into place between him and me. As time goes by and i look back, i get the feeling that not being together was simply not an option. But let me start from the beginning.

We arranged to have lunch together on a weekday. It was freezing cold but the sun was out. He arrived nervously, after mistaking one bar with another and carrying a beautiful notebook he'd bought for me at the Reina Sofia museum. He sat down and produced both a smile and a little box from his backpack. I was starting to feel nervous too, and then i opened the box.

He said he was serious. I grinned and went red, probably. He said will you marry me. I broadened my smile. He looked down at the ring and i looked up at his face. Of course i'll marry you. He didn't relax but he was smiling too. We were sitting at a wooden table in one of those chain-like tapas bars that pollute the city. The waitress was about to jump with joy and she was making me laugh from the counter.

Pablo then said we should probably leave and celebrate. I had the afternoon off and so did he so we took a bus -the first one we saw- and landed in La Latina. We had wine and we talked a lot about everything that was yet to come. We said that day was our own private wedding day. We laughed until my stomach got cramps.

Then we started playing with a calendar and we fixed a date, just because we had to and because September sounded really good in our minds. We decided we'd give a small party after a non religious ceremony and that we wanted an afterhours celebration somewhere within the city.

Today, five months before we get married, i feel exactly the same way as i did on that cold and sunny afternoon. I'm falling into place.

Gotta love the city, gotta love the neighbourhood

Changed forever
The boy was as agreeable as usual, dressed in his torn (by age) jeans and easy smile. He offered his usual repertoire of songs about daily love, socialism and laughing moments. I know the titles, but i like to think of Tontxu's songs as episodes from Friends: The One About His Divorced Mother, The One About the Trip to Cuba, The One On the Lies...

It was towards the end of the evening when he sang En El Medio ('In the Middle'), a poem where he gives his point of view on the Basque conflict and ETA terrorism. I've always loved this particular song. The part sung in Basque gives me the chills. "I have two friends, each one on a different side; They've already drifted apart and in the middle, i die".

I didn't need to look around the audience to feel what was happening. The shared shiver across the room was almost frightening. Things have changed and this song made it even more obvious. Our greatest worry is no longer a matter of discussing or not independence.

The words that sprung to my mind on that moment were these: "We will bring war to your homes and you shall never sleep peacefully again (...) We will kill you anywhere and in any manner".

Right there and then i felt what i already knew. Nothing will ever be the same, especially not in this horror-struck city. The boy seemed to feel it too, one could tell by the way he held on tight to his guitar and managed something close to a shy smile. A smile of sympathy.

The therapy






When you're feeling as sick and tired (literally speaking) as i do today, and you still have plans to catch a concert tonight... all you can do is dance away your viruses. Introducing the kick ass column danceteria!

Assault
We're going shopping in my mind today. Hop along with my dead cells, who seem convinced i can use a new bikini despite the gastronomic excesses of the recent past.

We're going to confidently step on the new season, ignoring the blatant lack of cash and the overflow of xs sizes at the store.

We'll take on the streets, my friend, and skip the queue at the cinema. If you don't like the movie (stay away from Almodovar's latest film, run for your life) we'll rent an oldie and pretend dandies were all radically extinguished after the 60s.

I'm going to order vegetable soup just to cleanse my guilt feeling after so much junk.

I'll buy hand-painted plates to serve you the most delicious salads you can think of (no mushrooms or red peppers involved, ever). Say yummy. Say it. Then, and only then, shall i give you the red meat.


We'll close our eyes and let the sun paint our noses and warm up the back of our necks. It won't rain, because my dead cells never get wet if they're going mind shopping. But you're still allowed to carry an umbrella.

We'll play with icecubes filled of Eau by Kenzo and i'll dance the little toe dance for the old ladies sitting on benches, feeding flying rats. If they laugh, i win and you have to impersonate a call girl on her first working date.

We'll take spring by assault now that it's looking the other way.

Gastronomic holiday
The trip to Cádiz from Madrid is a long one, but it's worth it, my friends. On our way down we stopped at Córdoba and literally ran into one of Pablo's closest friends, who took us to a restaurant in a beautiful patio. We had a light traditional lunch (yes, these two words don't really match, but that's what i call croquetas, salmorejo and a weird tasty roll). We continued towards our destination and landed in Caños de Meca, at a tiny hotel very close to paradise according to my standards.

That night we met a journalist in love with the South who has opened a magnificent restaurant overlooking the ocean. Seafood carpaccio and black squid rice with homemade fig icecream for dessert.

The following day the weather was playing tricks around the clouds every fifteen minutes, so we decided to do some sightseeing at the city, after taking a hike to a light house, under the rain. The sea looked tempting and cold, like most women in Hollywood.

That night we arranged to have dinner with a friend at a fish restaurant where we ran into someone from the newspaper. Chances were. Anyway, we had a delicious dinner -shrimps, salad, sea-bass- and headed to Conil for drinks. Incidentally, we ran into another friendly face there.

The sun tickled our faces on Saturday morning so we sprinted to the beach. Lunch consisted on two tortilla sandwiches and a healthy bottle of water. It was a good day of long talks and quality time together. That night we headed to the magnificent town of Vejer, where we went to see a palace-hotel for sale and enjoyed yet another finger-licking dinner.

The moody weather finally set into my body and i was left shivering for the rest of the holiday. This Monday morning i feel awful and i know i'm coming down with the flu, but so much work ahead makes me stay at this office, as well as the energy provided by so much amazing food.

The getaway



I've printed the map, i've mentally packed my bag (with an equal amount of wool jumpers and bikinis), i've closed as many issues as possible at the office and now we're free to head South...

(See you on Monday)

Back to start: What if feels like
She said 'don't worry, we've all been there'. She said "the best thing is that everyone understands, even if you think they don't". We were sitting at a terrace without our coats. It was after nine pm. She smiled and said: "You've placed your bet, you gotta play it now". I nodded and felt instantly relieved.

Starting over is easier than i thought, but i didn't expect it to be as time-consuming as this. Starting over is not a problem. It's the solution. But you certainly need to have an organized mind, even if you have no idea of what you want.

I started over this time last year and i'm still at it. I embarked on a whole new path and it turned out to be the right one. Or at least, the best one. I shifted priorities, i quit with the old worries to take on some new ones, i radically changed the scenery around... to see the bigger picture.

Now i'm happier, more together and with many plans running through my mind. True. I'm also busier than ever, bending over backwards to achieve all that stuff going through my head, trying to make ends meet in so many different levels.

It's hard work to turn an apartment into a home, to take my job both seriously and frivolously, to never let friends pass you by, to make dinner on time, to defend my relationship no matter what, to do the grocery and not change it for siesta, to dress up for a Friday night when all you want to do is sit on your couch for two hours.

It's hard, but this is what starting over is about. "Then one day everything will fall back together and you'll be able to look back and rest", she said. "It gets so much easier", she said.

I nodded, feeling definitely relieved.

Colouring in
I feel like an April's fool. I'm sick of quarreling (with coworker because of unfair work distribution, with boyfriend for length of curtains, with bank account for overspending on the visa, shall i continue?...) Of course they're minor arguments but, hell, they build up inside.

Those of you guessing i'm in a foul Monday mood just got the biggest cash prize on the show. But i'm known for my temper swings, darlings (just like the Irish weather) so let me try to look into the brighter side of things:

Trix's birthday is tomorrow. Kurt's birthday is on the 11th. That means a brilliant social gathering is coming up, where we'll storm into a bar or a home or an airplane and we'll be invited to exotic cocktails (or the regular rum and coke, not to worry, babes) and breathtaking conversations on topics varying from the future anorexic queen Letizia to the possibility of a change of seats at the White House. Goodie.

The long weekend away under the sun looks like it might turn a slighter shade of grey but all we need is a raincoat and a trendy hat to wash our city despair away. Cádiz as a destiny and a karma shaker. I cannot wait. Ambivalence may tell you all about it as soon as we come back (no posts from Thursday to Sunday, boys and girls).

There's always someone ready to paint your day back again. And God knows i'm needing some watercolours.

Notes on the missing week
I've missed Ambivalence almost all week. I think this is going to happen often from now on, considering the amount of work on my table and the outrageous number of things to do at home. Hard but true. The pressure building up before the swimming event and the fact that the Easter holidays are only around the corner does not help, but i'm not stressed. Just tired.

The breakdown of the week about to leave us is:

1. Wine and drinks on Tuesday night gave way to a blinding hangover all Wednesday. This city never sleeps either.

2. Trix and Dixie, after months of denial, decided to watch Sex and The City for the first time. Of course, they're deeply addicted now.

3. LovelyV got ready for her upcoming 30th birthday tomorrow!!!! This process involved 37 meetings per day and a lot of chasing each other by sms.

4. Pablo got his car back after four months of anxious waiting. This is what you get when you mess with lawyers and mechanics, i guess. Welcome home, my four-wheeled darling.

5. Beautiful Lucía turned 2 years old. Her very first party is on its way for this evening. Many little creatures are expected. Cocktail dress, optional.

On a final note, Lynch called last night, after not communicating for many months. She's excited and fun and talkative and i simply cannot wait to see her in June. We're getting an all girl party organized....