Friday Four
1. As a child, who was your favorite superhero/heroine? Why?
I liked Celia, a character from a book collection who grew up almost at the same time as me. She was really naïve in her approach to the adult world and she had an extraordinary imagination. I wanted to be like her, but that included blonde curls and extremely silly dresses.

2. What was one thing you always wanted as a child but never got?
A pair of black patent leather shoes, a doll house and a baby brother. In that order.

3. What's the furthest from home you've been?
Going down the Yellow River on a rafting boat in Canada was the furthest i've ever felt from anywhere, really.

4. What's one thing you've always wanted to learn but haven't yet?
To speak German, not to flush all the time, to take things slowly, and to make those dramatic circles with smoke.

Breathe out
I am out of breath. There is a very steep hill i must take every night on my way back home, when the bus drops me off into the wind. There are five flights of stairs on the hill, and they have the ability of sheltering all rain that falls, thus freezing with the right amount of cold. Five flights of stairs is not that much. Yet, i am always out of breath when i get home.

You might say i'm unfit, which is true. Or that i smoke too much, which is almost obvious. But i know those aren't the real reasons why i can barely speak when i get to my front door. I never learned how to breathe. Inhale, exhale. And back again. Keep the rythm. Inhale, exhale. I just didn't pay attention when they tried to teach me.

My gym instructor was a huge lesbian woman who scared me to death. I remember how much she loved having us run around the playground. Around the block. Towards the highway. Over the bridge. Under the bridge. She used to yell at me because i wasn't breathing properly. Inhale, exhale. And back again. Keep the rythm. Inhale, exhale. The logic of it all never got through to me, just like math and chemistry.

Tonight i smile remembering my purple face trying to go back to its normal colour after the school races. I was fast, but what good was having strong legs when i could't control my lungs? Then i see myself now, looking up at the five flights of stairs, knowing no matter how i climb them, i will get home feeling like that ten year-old kid who couldn't learn the lesson. Inhale, exhale. Keep the rythm. Inhale, exhale. And back again.

Sing along!
You say it's your birthday
Well it's my birthday too yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you
(Birthday by The Beatles. (The White Album, 1968)

I follow the sun

Because i promised her i'd visit before she leaves town.

Because i need this break more than ice cream on a girls night in.

Because that is where the sun must be followed.

Because i owe it to myself.

These are my reasons for spending a long weekend in Miami at the end of next month.

* Now, where is it that i put that bikini...?

Miscellaneous friday

1. What is one thing you don't like about your body?
Just the one, dear? I'd say my ankles. I hate my ankles. I'm weird like that.

2. What are two things you love about your body?
I like my nasty mouth and my stupid sensitive neck.

3. What are three things you want to change about your home?
I want to change the fact that i don't have one. Then i'd like to change the tap in the bathroom and get new windows for this funky house i'm living in.

4. What are four books you want to read this year?
The new Harry Potter, the new Norman Mailer, a poetry book by Luis García Montero i got yesterday (among four others thankyouverymuch) and finish 'Everything is illuminated', -which, by the way, Kurt, darling, i am really enjoying-.

5. What are five promises you have kept to yourself?
Secret promises is what you want then? I decided to keep to myself a lot more this year and i've promised to quit smoking as soon as they ban it at the paper. Then i promise to travel at the end of next month, because it is something that has been lingering in my mind for too long and the (short) time has come! Finally, i promise to get a fucking new job ASAP.

First class seats
Some people are afraid of fireworks. I don't suppose they'd like to be sitting on our couch when there's a celebration going on in town.

Creatures of the night!

Silent Five
Since there is a major problem with the ftp for my site and i can't publish a single word until *they* get it fixed, i thought i might just do the Friday Five for myself until i can share it with you...

1. Where do you currently work?
I write and edit texts for the online version of a large newspaper in Spain. I used to like it. Then stupidity, evil and bad intentions broke into the boss' office.

2. How many other jobs have you had and where?
I've been a waitress at a nightclub in Mallorca, i've taught English and Spanish in Madrid and i've done an intership in the international department of a huge news agency that was four blocks away from home.

3. What do you like best about your job?
I love it when i have the time and encouragement do it. I adore it when i get to write a good article. And the computer is ok.

4. What do you like least about your job?
Those (and they are oh so many) who make the big decisions.

5. What is your dream job?
Book writer, shop of my dreams owner, lap dancer, song composer and maybe housekeeper of my castle.

Next step
I have some hillarious pictures from New Year's Eve but technical problems are getting on my way. You'll see them soon.

So, while you wait, can you please give a big cheer and lots of clapping to Trixie, who has finally bought the appartment she was looking for right in the best area of Madrid!!

Written on the wall
I used to walk to high school. That was back when i lived in a small residential town, some 20 kilometres outside Madrid. I had to walk on the verge of a highway for about four minutes and then take a small, quiet road with appartment buildings on one side and a long wall on the other.

Every morning, on my way to the first class, i amused myself reading sentences on the wall. They were always new, fresh from the night before.

The writings were for a girl. Sometimes it was a simple declaration, others it was a line from a song. The writer used chalk and he placed the remains of it in a circle, on the floor, at the far end of the wall, with the note 'help yourself' beside it. For the songs, he generally picked U2. The lyrics to 'One' were a clear favourite. I surprised myself looking forward to these readings every morning.

A few months later, i found out who the boy was. It turned out i had met him a long time before. He was lovely and shy. He wrote for his girlfriend. I never told him i knew. He continued to write throughout the next year: 'Love is a temple; love, the highter law', 'We are one but we are not the same'.

In the springtime, they built a new library in the little town where we lived. It was right next to my high school and it was a very serious attempt to have some 'modern arquitecture' in our suburb. It was a two-storey building, made of shiny steel and glass. The day after the inauguration, the wall facing our school woke up with a big painting.

Someone had used an electric blue spray and written the words 'i ran out of chalk' on it.

Lecturing
I'm reading 'Miami and the siege of Chicago', by Norman Mailer. This is an excerpt from the book where he is covering the Republican Convention in Miami Beach, 1968.

Like pieces of flesh fragmented from the explosion of a grenade, echoes of the horror of Kennedy's assassination were thus everywhere: helicopters riding overhead like roller coasters, state troopers with magnums on their hip and crash helmets, squad cars, motorcycles, yet no real security, just powers of retaliation.

I don't know about you, but this made me think of the post September 11th events.

Monday mission
on a Wednesday

1. What is one of your favorite things to wear? My leather coat bought in London, combined with a jean jacket that has finally returned to me after a year sitting at F's house.

2. Did you get any "dud" gifts for the holidays? Yes. It was a birthday present, actually. I'm sorry i can't offer you any more details. Let's just say it was something unexpected, 'unbeautiful' and quite unpractical.

3. Let's do a few "Best of 2002" thoughts. What was the best movie of 2002? Why did you pick that one? The Spanish movie 'Los lunes al sol' impressed me the most. It's warm, disturbing and very touching.

4. What world event of 2002 made an impact on you? The way one boat and one Government fucked up the Spanish coast still makes me want to shout.

5. What personal event of 2002 was the most memorable? This past year has been quite hard on my personal life. If i have to look for something positive, i'd say it's my ability to keep the head out of the water.

6. Is there anything in 2002 (decisions, relationships, purchases, etc.) that, looking back, you would have done differently? But i couldn't really, could i? So i won't bother with regrets.

7. Shine up your magic crystal ball and look into the future. What do you think will happen in your life in 2003? Or, what would you like to happen in 2003? I need a new job and probably a new horizon.

Never a good day
This is never a good day for me. It is probably the worst of the year. This morning, children all over Spain open their Christmas presents, brought to them by the Magic Kings instead of Santa. It is always quiet today. At least in my house. For the past years, i've spent this day on my own because i'm the only one who can barely stand my mood. Most of the times i don't even understand why i feel like shit today so much more than in any other time of the year.

My best friend died on a day like today, six years ago. He was going down a slope at a skiing resort in France and slipped. A wee little stone hit him on the head and that was that. His name was Luis and he was the brother i never had. Six years after the worst day of my life, i know i will never get over it. But i do my best in coping throughout the year.

Time doesn't heal this kind of pain. It just brings some distance between your memories and your feelings, but you still remember and suffer. When i get really down, i like to bring the best of Luis back into my mind. The way he laughed eagerly. The way he closed his eyes and sticked his tongue out while playing guitar. How he took my hand and told me he would never allow anything bad happen to me.

A few weeks after he died, my friend Six said she was proud of having met someone like him. I think that summs up what i've been trying to say today. I am very proud of having Luis in my life. His death has taught me a lot about myself, about our outstanding relationship and about the meaning of friendship. Of course i would've liked to remain oblivious to these teachings. But there are lessons you just can't skip. Especially not on the worst day of the year.

Ambivalent brainstorming
Me and the people inside my head have been thinking about whether or not we should redesign ambivalence. Though i really like this layout i feel it's time for a fresh start with a brand new face.

Tom and i have worked a little on the first ideas i got for the site, but our concept is still at an early project. So what do you think? Fancy a new ambivalence for 2003? Tell us!

Note to self
One of the things that made me long for my own digital camera was to play around for the Mirror Project. While i wait to see if they accept it, take a look at my very first submission:



This picture was taken yesterday, at a little café in Pamplona called The Roch, where they serve the best 'pintxos' and still holds that flavour of past times. Not to miss if you're in town.

'Twas this time of year when...
On a day like today, a couple of centuries ago, the first edition of 'The Times' newspaper was published in England.

A little later, cute but slightly fascist actor Mel Gibson was born somewhere in New York.

On January 3rd in 1918, the Alinda asteroid was discovered.

In 1961, the United States broke diplomatic relations with Cuba and Spanish cyclist Miguel Indurain put an end to his career on a day like today in 1997.

And more than 20 years ago ;-), on a cold winter morning like this one, my one and only sister jumped into this world.

Happy birthday, Siz!