Smoking the Ave Maria way
I'm a smoker and i plan to stop being it soon. But before i quit, Melanie wants me to refresh my memory and tell you how i picked up the dirty yet somehow glamourous habit.

What can i say, i was young and stupid. And one of those adjectives still fits my description. Anyway, i was about 14 years old, in high school, sitting with a bunch of friends on a staircase in the 'playground' that led nowhere.

One of the girls had a pack of cigarrettes and she was telling us how she had learned to smoke yourself silly properlly. Her trick was to take the first puff and, after you managed the natural coughing, you had to say 'Ave Maria' while inhaling deeply.

Don't ask me where the 'Ave Maria' bit came from. I don't know and i probably wouldn't like to. Needless to say, i was the one who tried first. It was a piece of cake. Or rather, it was fairly easy and i remember thinking that tobacco tasted like popcorn. I became a weekend smoker and then made the dose bigger til i was a natural born puffer.

I'm still a smoker but, unfortunately, the taste of popcorn is gone forever.

2002
I started the year creating ambivalence all around, feeling high and low to match the title. February i had a blast of a weekend with the girls in Sevilla. In March i went to Kurt's house and witnessed Halle falling apart with her little golden man. The end of the month saw beautiful Lucía jump into this world.

The transport strike in april gave me (professional) wings that unfortunately didn't get me too far. Then in may i found the courage to work on something new. Again, i failed. Later on, in june, i had an interesting talk with one of my bosses. It was the end of an era. And i took a holiday by the beach.

El Escorial appeared on our horizon in july and i spent one of my last days as a Madrid citizen with Jay in the fiestas of Latina. Then i won a trip to see Garbage in London.

This was also the year that marked a very special anniversary: i can't believe i've known the girls for a whole decade already. So much has happened since the day we met. Lucía being the most important 'thing', actually. November was a specially hard time for F. And me. Then this month came to close a rather lousy year.

Fun
Six and F came over for lunch yesterday. Tom made delicious turquey and we spent the evening chatting, drinking wine and laughing.

We took a walk around the freezing town because F stated that no visit to El Escorial is complete if you don't see the monastery. This is us trying to escape from a non flattering shot.



It was fun to have my friends at home. It's one of the things i miss the most of the city. But the list is long.

Overdone
I woke up to the sound of furious rain this morning. I got up after very little sleep.

Once inside the car, starting my 40 minute drive under the storm, i realized i haven't had one single day of rest this month. I can't remember any nights in december where i've slept at least eight hours.

The street at work was dark and wet. I saw a pal co-worker getting into the building and waved. She smiled and waited for me.

We talked a little bit about things at the paper but decided to stop because the conversation was getting us down. And then i realized i haven't had one single day of happyness at the newspaper. Not in the last years.

I need some sleep and some happyness. Perhaps 2003 will have that in store for me. Though i wouldn't be surprised if it didn't.

Playing with my cam
As promised, i've posted some pictures of a few of my birthday presents.

There are many more, so if yours isn't listed, don't get all offended: please understand i was playing with my new toy, the digicam.

Click here and enter the world of fashionable clothes, big rings and decadent ornaments...

Guess who...
...got a digital camera for her birthday??? Wow. I'm so delighted with it that my niece thinks if lost my marbles! A big thank you to the Mountain Family for the brilliant present and giving ambivalence this boost.

And now, let's get started with the xmas decorations in our home. Pix of other birthday gifts and selected images of Christmas Eve are on their way...

Tasty night



I still don't know what's on tonight's menu allthough i'm sure it'll be delicious!! I can't wait.

I hope you all enjoy your dinner... and presents!

Merry Christmas!

The Friday Five
is back and festive

1. What holiday or holidays do you celebrate this time of year?
I celebrate Christmas, of course! Especially with the cuties around (the M&m's), one of my favourite moments is watching the girls open their presents. Then comes New Year's Eve. I'm not particularily fond of going out because you have to have fun but i have a feeling this time is going to be great.

2. What was the best gift you have ever received?
There are many. My first modem was a big hit. A red dress. A 'diamond' ring. An unexpected call. An email. There are many.

3. What was the worst gift you've ever given?
I always get the stuff i like for the people i like, so i couldn't really tell if there's been a bad one. My sister does pretty much the same thing. She got me the same set of PlayMobile dolls twice in two years. Because she liked it.

4. Where will you be celebrating the holidays? Are you hosting? Going away?
Christmas will be at the Mountain Family home and New Year's will be, for the first time, up North, in Pamplona, with Tom's family and friends. The tradition in that city is to dress in disguise. All suggestions for my costume will be welcome.

5. If you could spend the holidays with someone who isn't around, who would it be with? Why?
My best friend. It'll be six years on January 6th. I still miss him like the first day.

Gone



Joe Strummer died today. But punk shall go on.

Being 29
Turning 29 means you throw a big party and everyone shows up. It means you get tons of thoughtful presents. It means you laugh a lot more because you've stopped caring about your age. You are a grown up now, so you can act as foolishly as you want. Being 29 means you're a serene and pensive type of person. That's why my twin-friend Martin, who turns 29 today, just like me, has sent me a card that looks like this:



PS: Thank you all for coming and specially for being there. It was great.

The day has come...

Chicks on the move



I have the day off but still i set my alarm clock for quarter past eight this morning. The reason is Six. The tv channel she works for has sent her up to Galicia to cover the latest on the fuel spilling, but today she did a lot more than her regular piece of information. This morning, Six was the anchor for all the news on the area.

I woke up and sat in front of the telly with my steamy cup of coffee. Six was dead serious on screen, both with the lack of smile and the new look with glasses. A few words came out in plural by mistake, but she was superbe anyway. Great job.

I better make this post quick because watching Six on tv isn't all i have to do today. Cleaning up the house, for starters. LovelyV is arriving today. She thinks i'll be working and has plans to wander around the city til i leave the newspaper, but i'll be at the airport to give her a little surprise.

Watch out, Madrid. The blonde Swiss is on the move...

* The cool moving image comes from this cool moving site.

All set!

Minus one
The shopping spree is almost over. I've bought all the presents on my list, minus one. But the parcel missing shouldn't be too difficult to find (the guy who'll receive it belongs to the easy type...most of the times).

My bank account is exhausted. My feet are sick from all the walking around, searching for the perfect gift. And my wallet fears the moment when i decide how much exactly i'm going to spend on my birthday party, to be held this Friday.

I'll be expecting you all at the Freeway bar around 11. Well, all minus one.

So now you really know me...

Can i help you?
I don't generally keep my user statistics open, but i'd like to share with you the top 20 -alphabetical order- of my search strings, that is, what people have actually typed into the engines and (mostly by accident) have ended up finding this site.

1. ambivalence
Yep. That's the right path.

2. ambivalence here for you
And for you too.

3. ros piluls
Extremely private search. Whoever looked for that knew me already. So, hello, stranger my unidentified friend!

4. the main layout of el escorial
Was i any help? I think not.

5. what is the diference between band and orchestra
I am no expert, but i'd say size counts on this one.

6. ambivalence blog
Forgot the url, i guess.

7. anna nicole and trix t-shirt
I didn't know Trix had anything to do with Anna Nicole. Probably she had no clue either.

8. celebrate my birthday
Me too.

9. christmas carrols pop
Would that be played in a band or an orchestra?

10. christmass carrols
Well, it is the season, after all.

11. chritmass
Yes, i mispelled that too.

12. elton john's boyfriends
I'm sorry, i'm not acquainted to any of them.

13. fantasy gynecologist
A classic. You get this search too, don't you?

14. farrutx shoes
You can never have too many of those, sweetie daaahling.

15. foot massage michelle pfeiffer
I wonder if she is supposed to give it or receive it...

16. gum chewing time
Is that like a coffee break?

17. hillarious harry potter pictures
I was playing with my nieces figures and a bowl of nuts on the table. Don't ask.

18. hippy clothes for the sims
Just what they need.

19. hippy parties of the seventies in france
The sims wouldn't miss that event.

20. i enjoy eating my mother
Huh?

The Daily Dose Awards
(Congratulations to the 2002 Silly Superlative Winners)

1) Bastard of the Year.
The one and only Resident Evil has worked very hard to deserve this award and he is going to get it, for the second year in a row. His talent for being the lousiest boss, along with his lack of journalism skills and human features have made him our only candidate.

2) Bitch of the Year.
That's certainly the black tide haunting this country and its neighbours.

3) Funniest Story.
Anything that JLo has been up this years is plain hysterical.

4) Person Most Likely to Be Featured in Tabloids.
I fear that might be Trixie. If she doesn't get the flat of her dreams soon, she might have one of those 'Days of Fury' with a real estate agent any time.

5) Rudest Story of the Year
The Spanish Government lying about the 'Prestige' oil tanker and the black tide are all quite rude stories, but there is a tie here with the disgraceful Anna Nicole show.

6) Weirdo of the Year
Ozzy!!!! And we love weird, don't we?

7) Loser of the Year
The fourth Spanish version of Big Brother and Michael Jackson, for all the obvious reasons.

8) Hottie of the Year
Easy. My goddaughter Lucía is only nine months old and she is already a head turner. I bet her parents tremble when they think she'll be sixteen some day.

9) Most Likely to Succeed
The Bush twins. They were already on their way up before they had the age to drink. Now they have a lot more excuses for making a fool of themselves and the whole world finding out about it.

10) Your 15 Minutes Are Up
I've really had enough of these Britney and Christina people already. Time to move on and step out.

Black tears
Read the text about the catastrophe in Galicia.



We are crying for help.

Music in the afternoon

Staying home today: Around six euros in food and electricity.

Walking to Big M's school: Seven minutes of energy.

Keeping a promise to my niece: Priceless.

I'm going to listen to lovely M play the sax in an audition today. And i'm excited.

A radio story
We listen to two different radio stations at work. One is all news, 24 hours a day. The other is more general. I had that one on this afternoon. The presenter announced she was going to accept a call from a listener. Her name was Hortensia, the dj said.

- Hello, Hortensia.
- Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, aaaaaaaah, aaaaaaaaah.... (then i heard a 'bonk' sound and after that, silence)
- Hortensia?
- Hello, i'm not Hortensia, that's my mother. She has been wanting to be on the radio for such a long time that when she heard her name live she simply collapsed.
- What? She collapsed? Is she ok?

Five minutes later, the presenter gets back to the caller.

- Well, now it is you, isn't it Hortensia?
- Yes! I am so excited. I've been listening to your radio station for years and i've always wanted to be on the air. So now that i'm here, there is something i want to read.
- What is it?
- Oh, it's a of paper with the topics that you've talked about for the last TWENTYEIGHT years and i would just like to give my opinion about them really quick.
- I don't think we'll have time for that...
- (Interrupting) First, the 1977 Constitution: i'm for it. Then comes Spain joining the NATO, i'm for that too. Euthanasia, i'm against it, then there's...

And then she got cut off. It's a pity. I think i would have very much enjoyed listening to that old woman going on about the not so current affairs. 28 years waiting to give her opinion deserves some patience, right?

White sport
The concept of skiing fascinates me. I love imagining myself going down the slopes, the fresh/freezing air on my face, fully equipped for the adventure. And then i get to the mountain and i realize that after the lessons i should know better, i should be some kind of expert in my own snowed little world. But it scares the hell out of me.

Speed petrifies me. So does the idea of encountering ice and slipping. I can do it and yet i tell myself i can't. I never belonged to the brave type but i keep on trying to overcome fear. I would love to try again this winter.

The fact that my best friend got killed in a stupid skiing accident that involved an ice sheet and a tiny little stone doesn't exactly help. But he was good at it and he enjoyed every minute of the white sport. And so will i.

Of mice and girls
We don't have the Tooth Fairy in Spain. We don't use fairies all that much, except maybe in the Galicia area. We're more fond of magical animals, such as Pérez The Mouse, the one in charge of bringing you stuff if one of your teeth falls.

Little M had been waiting for her tooth to fall for weeks. She has spent eight days in the Canary Islands with the rest of the Mountain Family, in a tourist resort where many cats shared games with her, or so she said. Now she's worried that the cats might think Pérez is just an ordinary mouse and he won't be able to place her present under her pillow before they see him.

We wouldn't have these worries if the fairy was on charge. Maybe we should give Pérez The Mouse a pair of wings for Christmas.

Dear Santa

Another difficult year is going by, and this makes the sixth one in a row. I don't think i've been a good girl but you could hardly say i've misbehaved. So i'd be happy if you could leave one or all of the following items under my Christmas tree in a few weeks:

A job that brings hope back into my life

An appartment in Madrid (i'd rent something reasonable but if you see an interesting flat to buy, let me know for Trixie)

Socks (i love socks)

Courage to stop taking bad things for granted

A trendy spot in town where i could open my Shop

A pair of Manolo's

The formula to wipe the sadness away

Just words? I don't think so
From the book i'm reading:

"It's strange the way the loss of one person can leave such a giant hole in the middle of your life. It's not as if the hole they leave behind feels like the size of another human being. It feels more like the size of a world".

A beer with F
I had a beer with F after work last night. He's not doing too good and i'm slowly drowning into decadence but it wasn't a depressing time at all. I actually laughed hard a couple of times. It seemed as if problems were everything we ever needed to attain a closeness that was both conforting and reassuring.

He's lost love and i've gained fear. So we talked about being lonely as opposed to being alone, being fed up as opposed to being ready to call everything quits, being afraid as opposed to having a panic attack. Then we ordered some warm brie and another round of beers while we discussed journalism and a good plot for a short story.

As i rode on the train back home i thought about F and i realized i'm far more worried about him not being happy than i'll ever be about myself.