All for you
Last day of July already. The city is being abandoned slowly but steadily.Give me one more day and i'll park a van on Gran Vía. A week, and i'll already know a dozen faces of those who decided to stay.

Madrid in August. The dry, agressive heat taking over the traffic, the phone calls and the stress. I like having early holidays such as those days by the beach in June, as much as i love being in the city when everyone else is gone.

I'm getting used to August here. The air conditioning at work is nice and cool so you may actually look forward to it. Days and nights are a ladder of soft hours and cocktail breaks after dark.

Television shows are trashier than ever so you can't watch it. You go out more, you read more, you write more. Long lost friends try your number all of a sudden. There are no queues anywhere. Nowhere. You walk right into clubs with real space for dancing, trendy restaurants that always have a table for you, cinemas or big department stores all to yourself.

Man, i wish i could just go back to the beach!

Fall preview
Tom came home for the weekend and we talked a little bit about the future. In fact, the future is all i can think of these days, given the fact that we are moving at the end of September, he is starting his master course in a month and i might get what i want from work. It looks like this fall will be a lot more than a change of season.

I'm getting used to the idea of living in such a beautiful place as El Escorial for a year. It'll be cold in the winter, it'll take long to go back and forth from Madrid and i'll be far from most of my friends. But we'll have a bigger home, a more peaceful one and people will look forward to visiting us and get away from the center. Tom will have space to study and concentrate, the rent struggle will disappear...

As for me, i will definitely need a change of schedule at the paper but there is such a turmoil in the office these days that i think i may just get a lot more than that. There is a project i've been working on that would make me the happiest person on Earth if i got it. From what i heard yesterday, chances are i'll land it. Wish me luck.

Dates
The Onion asks:
Do you remember your first date?

I agree with Kurt: we don't date in Spain. We meet people and we go out in groups, flocks, packs. There is no such situation as you being, say, 17, at home, waiting for the Prince Charming to ring you and ask you on a date. What is more likely to happen is some school mate might call to see if you're interested in joining him and his herd at the local bar. Love, lust or friendship are often implied or already there. Usually, it doesn't get any better as you grow older.

However, i went on a date once. I was 16 years old and i had just moved in with a family in Canada. Sorel, Québec, to be more precise. I had been to my new school for two days when a boy called. He wanted to go to Montreal to get new clothes and since i was the 'new girl' he thought i might enjoy visiting the city and helping him pick stuff. That's the closest i've ever been to a date. And it was great.

We went to the second hand stores area (groovy shoppers) and got all kinds of clothes and records. Then we had lunch at a cute little café and after that we went to the cinema and saw My left foot. The boy, my date for the day, was funny, witty, smart and drop-dead gorgeous. I felt in heaven.

On our way back to Sorel he hinted we should go out again and i gave him one of my favourite lines from a Michel Rivard song that involved beer, him and the sky at night. It seemed to be the standard romantic thing to do in Quebec. We never actually got the beer but we saw the northern lights together and we danced to our own music. It was brilliant.

Dead sexy



I went to see Queen of the Damned yesterday. With Morgana, of course. It doesn't respect the Vampire Chronicles much but it was fun to watch. Good costumes, nice effects and a very hot actor. My favourite way to spend an afternoon off.



Then the day was ruined because some woman stole Morgana's bag. But i think we'll both remember Stuart Townsend as the main character of our Friday.

He is dead sexy.

TGI Friday (5)
1. How long have you had a weblog?
I started back in January. It's not a very long time, but i think ambivalence is growing steadily.

2. What was your first post about?
It was a short introduction, for myself really, and then i went on about how warm, delicious, funny and inspiring the film Amelie is. The next was, indeed, my first Friday Five.

3. How many changes (name, location, etc.) of your weblog have there been, if more than one?
I started of with a free webhosting service that was very annoying. Banners, servers down, the lot. The layout was simple but i still like it. Then i jumped and bought my own domain, www.ambivalente.com, and asked Tom to help me with the design. I think we'll change the 'decor' in the fall.

4. What CMS (content management system) do you use? Do you like it or do you want to try something else?
I'm a Blogger girl, but i dig Greymatter. I think you can do a lot more with it, but i'll stick to Blogger for the time being.

5. Do you read people who have both a journal and a weblog? Or do you prefer to read people who have all of their writing in one central place?
Two people who kept journals got my attention as a reader. Sherry and Maddie. I still read Sherry every day, both her journal and her blog (i'm hoping she'll get her domain back up soon) but the rest of my 'regulars' are weblogs.

Craving

A weekend away in Lisbon, where i could check out Malkovich's club, the 'trendiest in Europe', according to good sources.

I also want to find out what a GinFizz tastes like. Other excellent sources, such as Dixie, tell me the best is served here.

He seems an interesting kind of newyorker. I'd like to meet him. Any excuse to go back to Central Park again will work for me.

I love my dancing hero...

...don't you?

Sales
I've been window-shopping with my mouse and it's even more frustrating than hitting the stores with an empty wallet. At least you get to daydream. Everything was a lot easier when i could only afford Zara or Mango and couldn't care less about the 'real thing'. Once you cross the line and you get your luxury wishes into your wardrobe, you're cooked.

I'm not addicted to shopping, don't get me wrong. I can't afford the drug. It's the window-shopping that kills me. Walking into a boutique, browsing the web or flicking through a magazine makes my curiosity grow wild. I take ideas, i wish for lovely jackets and i decide i could murder for killer sandals.

Lord help me, the sales are on.

Places
I'm reading a book called 'Independence Day' and no, it has nothing to do with the film. Richard Ford wrote it and got both a Pulitzer and a Pen Award on the same year. Critics said the book is without question, a great American novel.

I like what i've seen so far, though nothing much as happened yet in it. I enjoy the way Ford tells you about life and the state of mind of the main character.

But this isn't my point. I read a passage of my book where the author talks about sticking to places, about how you put your heart in a particular and geographical spot and how dangerous it is to do so. I always do it. I get a pinch in my stomach when i cross a particular street, a stretch of a road or the place where a restaurant used to be.

This is how Ford puts it: "Places never cooperate by revering you back when you need it. In fact, they almost always let you down (...). Best just swallow back your tear, get accustomed to the minor sentimentals and shove off to whatever's next, not whatever was. Place means nothing".

So there.

Diamonds and Jerry
When my sister and i were kids, we never allowed to stay up late watching tv. Our mother was quite firm on this matter, helped by the Government (owner of the only tv channels), who had a little code of diamonds that were displayed on the screen each time something not 'appropriate' was on telly. One diamond meant possible negotiation with mum, two was a clear 'straight to bed'.

Since the Onion would like to know about the first time i was allowed to stay up late, i'll tell that a long time ago, when i was about eight or nine years old, there was a Jerry Lewis film on television. When mum saw in the paper the time they were playing the movie at, she said she was shocked and announced i could watch it because it was hillarious. These were the times before VCR, obviously.

I don't remember much about the Cinderfella jokes, but i'll never forget the feeling of being allowed to 'trespass the borders' on a school night. Living on the edge...

Red summer
It's long, it has frills and it is red.
It makes you feel like you're flying while you walk.
It's the most beautiful dress i've had.
Thank you, Nick.
Brilliant night of long talks and drinks.

Dad
The weather is unsteady in Madrid. Sometimes it gets chilly and the air conditioning makes your skin tremble. Then, on a morning like this one, the heat crosses your head and all you want to do is lie down. You look out the window, expecting to see a huge sun smiling right back at you, but the sky is cloudy and aggressive. Unsteady weather for an unsteady state of mind.

Being alone under this sticky temperature makes me long for a coke, an ashtray and trashy tv for hours. Yet i will cook lunch, wash my hair and leave the house to meet my father. We live in the same city but i haven't seen him since the end of 2001. It's not a difficult relationship as it is a matter of me letting time pass us by. I wish things were a lot easier for everyone. Wish me peace.

Roots and origins in the Friday Five

1. Where were you born?
Madrid, Spain, on a cold morning near Christmas, 1973. I remember it all as if it happened yesterday...

2. If you still live there, where would you rather move to? If you don't live there, do you want to move back? Why or why not?
I still live here and it's my favourite city in the world. But i wouldn't mind spending a few years in New York at some stage, or moving for good to Quebec.

3. Where in the world do you feel the safest?
Unusual question. The thing is where i feel unsafe. I guess walking alone after dark anywhere in the world, as long as i'm not drunk out of my head, of course, in which case i don't really care.

4. Do you feel you are well-traveled?
It depends who you compare me with. I have never been to South America, Asia or Australia. I have never been to Paris. Now you're making me daydream!

5. Where is the most interesting place you've been?
Wonderful New York. Fascinating New York. Inviting New York.

If it weren't for these moments...
Summer is here in full swing and many of you are sitting there thinking hardly anything is happening. Alas my friends, July is proving to be quite interesting all over the world. Take these tidbits, for instance. Very valuable pieces of information...

Marriage, interrupted
The Jolie girl admits it. Billy Bob seems to be back in the market. In case you're interested.

Fight for your right to party
Is dancing a constitutional right? Methinks yess.

It's a dog's life
After giving your sims the cruelty treatment, now you can start with their silly little animals. It's always better than turning into a pet psycho.

PS: Oh, plus we got that ridiculous rock back.

Wheels on fire
So Melanie wants to know about my first memory of driving.



This is going to sound surprising, but the first time i drove a car was at a driving lesson! By the way, i mean driving a car with actual gears: i'm not that impressed by those automatic toys so popular in the US.

I was 18 years old and i was dying to get my license, mainly because i lived in the outskirts of Madrid and driving meant true independence once and for all (or so i believed). My instructor was a man in his forties with a strong aversion towards women, especially women drivers. Driving classes were at 9 am and i was always under the impression the guy needed an extra dose of caffeine.

One day (ok, this isn't my first memory, but it's the most interesting...) the instructor asked me to make a turn into a dead alley. At the end of the cul de sac the bastard put his hand on my leg and i got really nervous. I don't know why, but i laughed and i asked him what the hell was he doing. He said nothing. We drove back to the school and i continued my classes normally.

The day of the test arrived and i passed. He was the one who gave me the good news. I jumped and yelled. Then i slapped his disgusting face and left.

Still here
No, i haven't run away... It's just that i've kept myself busy: I can proudly say now that i survived the Debate on the State of the Nation.

Can you please click on comments and tell me something really shallow and frivolous?
:-)

One
I used to live alone when i was 20, at a house my dad owned in a posh neighbourhood in Madrid. It didn't work out for various reasons and i ended up getting an appartment with my mother. Being alone is fun and difficult. I'm no expert because when i moved out of the family house i shared a flat with Morgana and then i met Tom. We started living together after only six months.

My point is, as we approach 30, a lot of my friends (including myself) seem to settle down with a partner, buy a house or even have a baby. But that's not the mainstream trend around me. There are many singletons in my circle of friends that live alone or share an appartment with a roommate. Some are perfectly happy with this arrangement and some think being alone is only good when it's a personal choice.

Some long for a boyfriend/girlfriend, some are eager to go from on affair to the next one, no strings attached. I've lived in both sides of the story and i find it hard to say which is best. But i think that being alone (whatever the reason) makes you appreciate your friends even more. Both Jay McInerney and H once said to me:

"The capacity for friendship is God's way of apoloziging for our families".

Fast car
I was driving back from the Mountain Family house, the car storming through the motorway, music playing full volume. There is nothing like driving on your own while someone like Michel Rivard makes you sing to the top of your lungs.

Je voudrais voir la mer
Et ses plages d'argent
Et ses falaises blanches
Fières dans le vent
Je voudrais voir la mer
Et ses oiseaux de lune
Et ses chevaux de brume
Et ses poissons volants

Arriving at the city center, people stuck in the traffic jam, barely standing the heat and dying to leave town. They see me, smiling, keeping the beat on the wheel and yelling, screaming, singing.

I don't want to start
Any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God's
Got a sick sense of humour
And when I die
I expect to find Him laughing
I am my own radio. And Satan is my motor! Happy friday.

Moving on
She gave me the bad news early in the morning yesterday. She wants her flat back. We could fight but there isn't much point. Our lovely appartment must return to her owner. Trix is impressed by how positively i'm taking this -which isn't really true- but i suppose it's time to move on.

I look at our yellow walls and i shiver. After all, we always had the feeling this house was the 'too-good-to-be-true' type, and so many things have gone wrong in the past year that losing our home seems like part of an omen.

In the next month, i will be looking up the adds in the paper, strolling around different neighbourhoods and doing mental math that never turns out right. I'll think of it as a new step in life. I shouldn't be this afraid of changes.

Good intentions
Kurt and i went to see a Spanish movie last night. It's called 'El otro lado de la cama' ('The other side of bed') and it's full of good intentions. It's a peculiar musical comedy with a crappy script. I confess there were times i laughed so hard it hurt.

The actors are great, all of them. I said actors. Not the actresses. Why is it that the girls suck so much in this film? I'm guessing they're all (except my darling María Esteve who is funny as hell) too concerned about their looks and their last lesson from acting school.

It was refreshing to see a comedy that actually makes you laugh and isn't boring. I especially recomment Ernesto Alterio's dance number at the gym. Glorious.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Random facts of today
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Listening: Woman's realm, by Belle and Sebastian.
Reading: Independence Day, by Richard Ford.
Thinking: I'm glad i bought my clubber t-shirt. It's red and has pearls all over it...

Dancing queen
"I like going to gay clubs because you become invisible and nobody bothers you". I used to say this and really believe it, until last night. I landed at WeekEnd with Kurt and LovelyV, dying to get to the dance floor and probably watch all the men send luscious looks towards Kurt.

But, oh boy, was i wrong. I never saw so many people interested in talking to us, the girls, telling us how well we danced and wondering could they get us a drink.

Either gay clubs are more open than ever or we chose the one night in which there was at least 25% of heterosexuals wandering about the bar.

I hadn't danced for ages and i had the time of my life with the music. I mean, sure, you're at a bar, they play a song you like and you move your feet, but i'm talking about really dance, let yourself go completely. It feels so good it should be prescribed by doctors.

Zzzz........

I'm so tired
I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired
My mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up
And fix myself a drink
No, no, no...

Mix n match by the Friday 5

1. Where are you right now?
At work, overworked and tired but in an excellent mood.

2. What have you lost recently?
My voice, screaming and singing at a concert. Also, i keep losing lighters, which bugs the hell out of me :-(

3. What was the first CD you ever purchased?
Does that embarrass you now?
My first CD, not vynil... That would probably be Lenny Kravitz. Mr Cab Driveeeeeeeeeeeer!

4. What is your favorite kind of writing pen?
I prefer Pilot over any other type. You know what i hate? Discovering my handwriting is going weird for lack of practice...

5. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Vanilla, chocolate cookies or macadamia nuts!

Tunnel of love
Last night's was a unique concert that has left me with very little energy but proud for witnessing it. Last night i danced and i sang so loud my frail voice is gone again. It was hot and fun and thrilling to be in that tunnel of time. So many names, so many words talking about our collective youth, so many songs that i hadn't listened to in such a long time.

I loved Loquillo giving us his 'Rock n Roll Star'. It made me think of my sister and how she led me to discover this tall, elegant and somewhat scary musician. I jumped with Duncan Dhu for the last time and they took me back to my first trip to the snow: 14 years old, on a bus to a skiing resort with my classmates, 'Cien Gaviotas' blasting like a hymn.

Then Hombres G swept me off my feet. I was never a fan, and yet their live show sounded amazing. All of a sudden i realized i was laughing, i knew the lyrics and i was having the best of times. All their old songs took me to my teenage years, and specially 'Visite nuestro bar', the theme my friend Luis and i used to sing to the top of our lungs when we were 13. It was beautiful to have such fun and share it with my friend's memory.

My 100 list

In
case
you
are
interested:
I
have
one
hundred
things
to
tell
you
about
me
...

Live to tell
I have a press pass for a concert tomorrow. When Resident Evil suggested i should go, i smiled both to him and myself.

This eighties revival is getting really intense and now we're about to watch opposite bands play together on the same stage. Live to tell. A decade ago, it would have seemed impossible to think of the tacky Hombres G being anywhere near the lead singer from Gabinete Caligari.

It's the first time i cover a concert for the paper and i'm excited, especially because this is something i can really talk about with a sense of knowing what i'm saying. Apparently i won't be able to interview the artists, which is a shame since i had already prepared my questionnaire. Tant pis.

I just hope i do a good job, the musicians play right and i don't fall asleep when Los Secretos perform.

About last night
A sound engineer working at a film was dumped last night at a japanese restaurant. I know. I was there. The couple was sitting so close i could hear the girl trying to weep and not being very good at it. He was furious and attempted to yell a few times.

She was dumping him to go back to her ex-boyfriend, who is in fact the director of the movie. Gasp. He called her names and then said that he was also sad for his sister (!) who is currently going out with the girl's ex. I can't tell you if this scene was real or just some wacky couple pulling my leg. Take your guess.

Afterwards, Fred and i had a drink at a terrace. When i went to the toilet, there was a girl waiting and another one inside. 'Gladiator!', screamed the girl inside to her friend. 'They'll know that one in no time', replied her pal. They were playing charades and i felt an urge to ask them what table they were sitting at and join the game. That is my favourite game ever. Instead i gave them a title that would give the rival team a hell of a time.

We ended up at a pub where music was combined with a distressing microphone voice and a couple who had just met were trying to seduce each other by dancing. Impossible as it looked, they both made it.

Eight from the Eighties
Perhaps i should be telling you about my plans for the week, about the everchanging weather in this city or about Resident Evil's metamorphosis, but answering an old 8 from the 80s sounded more fun. Sorry.

1) Is it going to be a cruel summer? I used to be afraid of summers, because i thought it was fate's favourite time to make bad things happen. I guess i grew up after that! It's going to be a different summer but not cruel at all. I won't let it.

2) Are you where the heat is on? We've gone from 'ohmygodicanbarelywalkwiththisheat' mode to hailstone invasions over the weekend, so i can't really tell what's next. Nor do i trust the weather reports...

3) How do you sleep while your beds are burning? I don't. Heat and sleep are awful combinations that i can never dominate.

4) I get delirious, whenever... Someone treats another person unfairly. I get my knickers in a twist. Also, when i'm being lied to. There is nothing that i hate more than mistrust.

5) Everytime you go away, you... Forget something behind and have to go back!

6) What happens in your wildest dreams? I live in a castle. I have no particular intention of buying a chateau and having my residence there, not even if i'm filthy rich. But i live in a castle in my wildest dream. No further questions on the subject.

7) Are you an angel of the morning? I like having time in the morning because it takes me a good while before i can officially say i'm awake. But i'm really a night creature.

8) Tell me, tell me, tell me how to be a millionaire? Don't ever spend your money. Don't be generous. Don't treat people to anything. Be cheap. That's how most millionaires behave.